AYESHA RASCOE, HOST:
Caring for a loved one at the end of their life can be all-consuming until one day it suddenly ends. As people figure out what's next, many say that along with loss and grief, they found new strength or wisdom. Reporter Kat McGowan spoke to a woman in Charleston, South Carolina, who's in the process of making sense of this transition.
KAT MCGOWAN: In 2023, Amanda Cruz's (ph) mother was getting sicker as her cancer spread. By 2024, Cruz's whole life revolved around her mother's care. She still had to work, but other than working, sleeping and eating, caring for her mom was all she did.
AMANDA CRUZ: And then they say, oh, take care of yourself. Go do yoga or eat smoothies. But how can you when you are perpetually afraid of someone dying or you doing the wrong thing?
MCGOWAN: Cruz had always been chatty and outgoing, but the stress of caregiving was weighing her down.
CRUZ: I think a lot of my caregiving was very traumatic, very scarring and lonely and painful. All this health responsibility, like, decision-making was on me, the daughter. And I do not have a medical degree. I wasn't a nurse, a doctor. Nobody gives you a plan. Nobody says, Hi, welcome. Your mother is dying. Here's what to expect.
MCGOWAN: Psychologists say that as the duties of care bury everything else, caregivers may feel they're turning into someone they hardly recognize. Cruz found herself becoming quiet and watchful, always scanning her mother's face to see what she needed and how she felt as they approached the end together.
CRUZ: I felt kind of like I was a guide and we were on a canoe and we were canoeing towards her death. And so it's a really odd and surreal and lovely and hateful situation to be a guide to help someone die.
MCGOWAN: Her mother died later that year, and it hasn't been as simple as just moving on. Watching her mother suffer changed her.
CRUZ: I became so much more watchful of other people, like, in the grocery store or in the gas station, you know, like, if they're wanting something or needing something, I feel very sensitive to it now.
MCGOWAN: Research has found that the people who can find meaning in the caregiving experience have better mental health. Cruz has found her own way to tap into a sense of purpose by helping other people celebrate what she could not.
CRUZ: There was this fine-dining restaurant that we were going to go to for her birthday, and she died the day before her birthday. So after I got back, I go, you know what? I'm going to work there, and I'm going to make other people happy for their birthdays or anniversaries, like, something memorable. So I picked up a couple shifts.
MCGOWAN: It's like a new hobby, making people happy.
CRUZ: I get to watch other people have memories. I didn't get to have my own, but I get to be part of other people's. But sometimes it's funny how, yes, you change for the good part, but sometimes you wish you could go back like it never happened.
MCGOWAN: It can be hard to find mental health support intended for the specific needs of caregivers. Cruz found help on her own, including grief counseling and a therapist who understands trauma. She still has flashbacks and nightmares, but she also says that caregiving made her a deeper person with more patience and humility, and she's proud of doing it, what she calls the hardest thing she's ever done in her life.
For NPR News, I'm Kat McGowan.
RASCOE: For more caregiving stories and resources, go to npr.org/caregiving.
(SOUNDBITE OF JEREMIAH FRAITES' "CHAMPAGNE") Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.
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