TRANSCRIPT
SAVITT, BYLINE: Over one in four adults is a caregiver to a loved one with a complex medical condition or disability, according to AARP. Janet Parmalee from East Haven is one of them. She met her husband Mike in 2008.
JANET PARMALEE: He taught me how to play golf. He hiked. He didn’t necessarily love to travel but we traveled together. We had a bucket list of things to do after retirement, which we got one done, before he got too sick to not be able to travel.
SAVITT: In 2022 Mike was diagnosed with a progressive, terminal form of dementia. Janet had just retired from her nursing job, and devoted herself to taking care of him. Connecticut Public spoke with Janet and her best friend Joyce Rossi about the progression of Mike’s condition and navigating a caregiving role.
PARMALEE: His symptoms, looking back, probably started in the beginning of 2019 but then, of course, COVID hit, and we were kind of isolated at home, and I didn't notice a lot of the subtle changes. You know, every day he was a little different. By 2021, he wasn't able to really golf anymore. I took him on a trip to see our grandson's first birthday, I almost lost him in the Chicago airport. That was our last big trip.
He started at a day center in Branford called Orchard House, which is a beautiful place. And he did that for about 10 months but then it just, you know, it's one big room with a lot of people in it, and so then it just got to be a little more difficult. So I made the very hard decision about a private memory care facility, which you have to pay for out of your pocket, so money goes really quickly. And I literally just moved him to a skilled nursing facility in Meriden, where eventually I'll be able to apply for Medicaid.
I try to see him just about every day. We, you know, will play bounce pass with a ball. We walk around the facility. He's very nonverbal right now, but I said last week, every time I leave, I kiss him, I say, you know, I love you. And last week, randomly, I hadn't heard his voice in a long time, and he said, I love you too. And I just started crying. So the tears flow, the grief is there. I went home, and I kept crying. So I said, go back. So I went back, and I hung out with him a little longer, hoping he’d talk again.
SAVITT: Can you talk about what you mean when you say the grief is there?
PARMALEE: Every month you lose a little more of your person, but they're not dead. You grieve the loss of your plans, the loss of your dream, the loss of your companionship, and you see a little glimpse of your person when they say they love you, and then they're gone again.
SAVITT: How are people showing up for you, and how are you showing up for yourself?
PARMALEE: You know, our kids are always checking on me, to me because they worry about me as much as they worry about Mike. And I think that in a time like this, you find out who your friends are really. I was laughing the other day. I said, Yeah, I used to have my ‘if I won the big Powerball, you know, who would be the people I shared it with?’ It's kind of a lot shorter since all this has happened.
JOYCE ROSSI: I just want her to know that I'm there for her.
PARMALEE: and I know that, like Joyce, is someone I could call because we've she's been walking this with me for years now, and she maybe isn't involved with my husband, but she's my person.
ROSSI: You know, I may reach out on a day where and not even know what her day. Is like, but, but I wanted her at least hear her voice and, you know, or even if it's just a text, you know, oh, I'm not doing that great. Well, okay, you know, when you when you want to, when you want to reach out, I'm here.
…you know, I just can't imagine her life. But here she is. Here we are.
PARMALEE: my girl. [chuckles]
SAVITT: That was Janet Parmalee and her best friend, Joyce Rossi. They spoke about Parmalee’s role as a caregiver for her husband who has a progressive, terminal form of dementia. I'm Michayla Savitt, for Connecticut Public Radio.
