JUANA SUMMERS, HOST:
Recent research shows loneliness is high across many demographics but especially among parents. NPR's Katia Riddle covers mental health and has been asking, where are people not lonely? Today she reports from a community in Portland, Oregon, where some parents are defying the trends.
KATIA RIDDLE, BYLINE: The meltdown started with a small thing. Rachel Damgen's 4-year-old son wanted a sucker. She said no. This was a few years ago.
RACHEL DAMGEN: And he was really young at the time, so it was, like, big, big meltdown.
RIDDLE: It was the pandemic. She was alone with her two young children. Her husband was working. During this time, she was often home alone for 11 hours with the kids by herself.
DAMGEN: I wound up on the floor crying, too, just holding both my kids and, like, really feeling like, man, this is impossible. And, gosh, it was just so, so hard. And it seems so silly 'cause it's just about suckers.
RIDDLE: It was a turning point. Their extended family lived far away. They needed more community, more support. Her husband Chris Damgen says they started asking themselves this question.
CHRIS DAMGEN: How could we change our life? How could we change our living circumstances?
RIDDLE: The answer they found - cohousing. Now they live in a place in Portland called Daybreak Cohousing. There are close to 200 of these planned communities across the country.
UNIDENTIFIED CHILD: See if you could kick a football and throw.
RIDDLE: On this recent day, Rachel's two older kids are playing in the courtyard with a neighbor. Thirty condos face out onto this shared outdoor space. A huge old maple tree sits in the middle. Families share common spaces and gather frequently. As they play, another neighbor comes by and lets the kids pet her dogs, and then more kids join in.
DAMGEN: Hi, Riley.
RIDDLE: Deana Camp is 73. She's lived here for over a decade. She lost her husband a few years ago. She doesn't have any family in town.
DEANA CAMP: I am not lonely (laughter). No. I miss my husband desperately.
RIDDLE: I mean, you're a person who would be quite vulnerable to that in your demographic.
CAMP: Yes.
RIDDLE: You're retired. You've lost your spouse.
CAMP: I wouldn't be the same person at all.
RIDDLE: You mean if you didn't live here.
CAMP: Right. I can't imagine what my life would be like.
RIDDLE: Deana Camp leans over and smiles at the youngest member of the Damgen family, Caroline. She's just turning 1 year old.
DAMGEN: Deana's, like, probably one of the most social people I've ever met in my life.
(LAUGHTER)
CAMP: I'm pretty darn social.
DAMGEN: Yeah. Yeah.
CAMP: I bake cakes for every occasion (laughter).
RIDDLE: Rachel Damgen says it's these kinds of relationships that have changed her life as well. They aren't her best friends. They don't have every meal together, but they support each other. One day recently, one of her kids was asleep. She needed to go pick up another kid. She could not be in two places at once.
DAMGEN: And I don't have that problem anymore because I could just find a neighbor to stay in my home with my kiddo who was asleep.
RIDDLE: They've lived here two years now.
DAMGEN: And it's not uncommon for me to have those, like, hit you in the heart moments on a pretty regular basis still where I can just - my kiddos will be, like, downstairs, kicking a soccer ball around with a neighbor. And I've, like, come outside to look. And you just got to, like, almost pinch yourself 'cause you can't believe that they're surrounded by these people who are - care for them.
RIDDLE: Now, if you're a parent to young children, I know what you were thinking. Where do I sign up for this parenting utopia? But these folks will be the first to tell you that there are real trade-offs to their lifestyle. For one thing, this family of five lives in a two-bedroom condo. And then there's the committees.
DAMGEN: So there's common house membership...
RIDDLE: Standing in their front yard, Rachel and Deana say there are too many to count.
DAMGEN: ...Process, facilities, project management...
CAMP: That's a new one.
DAMGEN: ...Security...
CAMP: Security.
DAMGEN: ...Facilitation, steering.
RIDDLE: Members here agree to work on at least two of these committees. There's also work days, cleaning the shared spaces, doing yard work. Cohousing responsibilities take hours every week. And then navigating all these relationships...
DAMGEN: You get to know people really well.
RIDDLE: Chris Damgen says being in a financial relationship with all your neighbors can be complicated. There's a lot of process around decision-making. It can be tedious.
DAMGEN: And you get to know them, their quirks, their mannerisms, their emotions, you know, but also what makes them brilliant people and what makes them maybe less than brilliant people in some cases.
RIDDLE: Still, the couple says, they've never questioned or regretted their decision - not for one minute. Katia Riddle, NPR News, Portland, Oregon.
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